Bye Calypso. Thanks for entertaining us!

Calypso King is leaving us and his departure isn't in very pleasant circumstances. The team management threw an early farewell party for him after the last defeat. Dildo wasn't around to sponsor this one though, so it went from the team kitty. No one was particularly pleased with the idea of hanging out together, although no one objected to it openly. Since, the posts have been coming out, guys are making their own small groups and going out to places without informing others. No one wants Fake IPL Player to land up there and broadcast their nefarious activities to the whole world. In fact, the blog has affected the nocturnal lives of IPLers in more ways than one would have expected. Teams are now trying to find out before hand where our team is headed after the match, to ensure that they don't land up at the same place. Kishen Kanhaiyya, whose tour took an unexpected turn after the Opium Night expose, is having the driest tour ever in his life. Little Sister has still not given in to the Sheikh's famed magic. Little John's been getting frantic phone calls from his Mom and he's had to promise her that he will return to India "Ganga jaisa pavitra" (I couldn't believe my ears myself but these ARE the exact words he used). So, in the backdrop of all this, we had to go for Calypso's farewell party.

While the drinks flowed, the music blared, Calypso suggested to Skipper that he should tattoo his IPL scores. (For the uninitiated, the skipper has tattooed his cricketing numbers in Roman numerals on his arms.) WHile the skipper was thinking about what to say, Calypso started a discussion on whether there's a Zero in Roman, obviously referring to the skipper's ducks during the tournament. Finally, in drunken stupor, the skipper reacted with a few choicest words of his own. He was eventually whisked away by Candy Nickle to avoid a blow down.

For the rest of the evening, the two weren't seen together. They didn't shake hands before Calypso left the party.

Mangal Pandey's phone was lying unattented on our table while he was warming his palms in one of the dark corners of the club. Bhookha's deputy, in an inspired move to catch the Fake IPL Player red handed, started scanning through his SMSes. The news was eventually relayed to Mangal who then gave the the Deputy a crash course in Bhojpuri, a discourse he is unlikely to forget in the short term.

The butt of most jokes during the party was Our Man Dildo himself. Most jokes were around the rat abandoning the sinking ship. I couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all. A man, who till a few weeks ago was our hero has now become to most laughed at man in the team. Bangla Tiger, who was busy clicking pics with the star till the other day, was cracking the funniest jokes on him in Bengali. As they say, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.

Apparently, Dildo didn't meet anyone before leaving for India. And he has sent an email to Boy George asking him to justify such a large support staff. The paranoia has shifted to the support staff now and there's news that 5 of them will be asked to return. Boy George and Bhookha Naan were locked in a meeting for 2 hours yesterday.

The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn't enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what's now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.

On the whole, the team's now waiting for IPL to get over to go back home. As a team and as individuals we have achieved all that we had planned for. We have successfully sent Dildo packing, we have improved our performance over last year, we have reached depths that
others can only dream of, Little John can now score only on the pitch, Kaan Moolo has finally convinced the world that no matter how hard he tries he can't get any worse, Bhookha has earned enough to finally retire, and I think I am kind of reaching the end of my blogging career. I think there isn't much to play for any more.

Finally, it's official now. Bhookha, Skipper and the entire support staff are resigning at the end of the season. (If they don't, they'll probably be sacked anyway.)

Your's truly.

P.S. I think some website's been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That's not true. Under the circumstances I can't live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.

P.P.S. Some people are replying to comments posing as IPL Anonymous. It's not me. I haven't participated in the comments section. Pls don't believe the guy posing as me.

P.P.P.S. I have heard that Dildo's PR team has decided to degrade this blog by posting malicious and critical comments, and also by spamming in the comments section. If only this energy was seen in building the team.

P.P.P.P.S. The focus has shifted to the Support Staff. The management is now convinced that the Fake IPL Player is not a player, but a support staff member. Let's see where this trail takes them.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day.

“Fake IPL player” lets out Knight Riders’ dressing room secrets

Ever heard of Lordie and the Phoren Babas? Or maybe you are familiar with the Coachie and Kan Moolo. What about Little John and Badshah D*&#o? Stumped! Well all of these characters are the part of a blog which exclusively focusses on SRK’s Kolkata Knight Riders. Apparently, it seems that most of the players in the team have pseudo-names assigned to them. The blog looks to provide the inside scoop on the KKR’s. And in the words of the anonymous blogger, it says,” I will be bringing to you the "aankhon dekha haal", right from inside the dressing room, meeting room and players' bedrooms ;-).”

Obviously now, the blog has come to be yet another headache for King Khan and the managers of his team. With the multiple-captaincy issue and the clash of egos between Brendon McCullum and Sourav Ganguly doing no good for the Kolkata Knight Riders, this controversial blog has only added to the team’s cup of woes. The blog writer calls himself ‘Fake IPL Player’ and his blog is chiefly aimed at taking pot-shots against the senior members, the coach and the support contingent.

The blogs has no qualms in calling SRK a megalomaniac and has named him Badshah D*&#o. Ganguly has been aptly coined as Lordie, the guy who is in constant altercation with the Badshah and the Coachie ( John Buchanan). The Phoren Babas point to the foreign support staff that the KKR team has in their camp.

Kan Moolo is apparently a reference to the former Indian fast bowler Ajit Agarkar. The blog has an exclusive post on the reasons why Agarkar got the boot. Sample this, “Coachie was explaining to him reasons for why he is being left out. Let me summarize Coachie’s 5-minute monologue to Kaan Moolo. He essentially said that Kaan Moolo has a bright future, he just needs to work on his game a little bit. Basically, all he needs to do is improve his bowling, batting and fielding. That’s it.”

The Fake IPL hits out at not only the KKR players but it also calls names to other top shot international cricketers. For instance, a former Aussie opener is quite audaciously called the Pedophile priest. The West Indian left-hand opening bat Chris Gayle is referred to as the Calypso King. Little John seems to be the lesser known Ashok Dinda. The writer of the blog has an interesting snippet about this fast bowler, “Little John skipped as it was optional training. I can understand it, he is after all a fast bowler and he def needed some time off after the "intense workout" he must have had last night.

The blog spares no one when it cites the infamous slap-gate from last year’s IPL between Sreesanth and Harbhajan Singh, “Learnt a very interesting piece of news. Not sure if it's true or not. Apparently, Appam C@#$^*a wasn't slapped by Meera Bhai during last yr's tournament. He was crying because his team owner Babli hugged everyone after the match other than him.”

The posts on the blog are filled with jibes against all and sundry. The posts aspire to be sensational at every comma, semi-colon and full-stop. In fact the popularity of the site is swelling by the day. Given the growing number of users hitting the site, the KKR team management is in for another uncomfortable bouncer aimed straight at the rib-cage.

The Fake IPL Player brews up a storm

MUMBAI: Now there is one very disgruntled Indian Premier League player playing in South Africa. In his blog, the player appears to know all the underhand dealings that are supposedly happening in South Africa. His blog appears every few days and is gaining popularity because of the sleaze that he writes.

No one is spared. Each big name from the world of cricket has been given a nickname and using that code name, the writer is exposing what is happening amongst the players, the owners and the commentators.

Taking immediate action, the authorities, we are told, have banned the use of laptops in the players’ rooms. But there has been no official communication regarding the same. But the writer is still at large and his last post was on the 22nd. Looks like this player has had to sit out on the bench more often than play on the field, if his writings are as frustrated as he is.

The Curious Case of the Fake IPL Player

Kishen Kanhaiyya, Mr. Batlivala, Big Sister, Sheikh of Tweak, Little Monster, Phoren babas, Prince Charles of Patiala, and a bunch of others that cannot be named in this space, are part of the Indian Premier League this year.

Puzzled? To start with, this is not a new advertisement we're talking about. The names that you've read above are aliases used in a mysterious blog spurting daily dirty details about the Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR).

The blog is called The Fake IPL Player, and the mission - well, it looks like an entertaining satire on the 'life in IPL' through the eyes of a Kolkata Knight Rider.

The last blog post has generated over 500 comments till now, which clearly goes out to show the growing popularity among cricket-frenzied voyeurs - a majority of them begging for more.

As the media has caught on with the buzz, the posts exuberate narcissism by the writer as he's sure not to get caught in his true identity.

Here's one of his recent blog posts that elucidate this:

"News is that the team management and the Phoren Babas (McCullum & Buchanan, apparently) think that Lordie is Fake IPL. Apparently, he was called into the CEO's room where Di*do, Coachie, and Skipper, politely asked him about it. But, they forget that this is THE LORD OF THE RING they are dealing with."

Now now could it really have been started by the babu moshais of the KKR team? Or is this a promotional stunt of sorts for this cricketer(?) for a slingshot at an eventual career in blogging?

Nevertheless, the public seems to be enjoying every bit of it. Does anyone really know who dunnit?

Read all the posts of The Fake IPL Player here.

The Fake IPL Player: Mystery Solved?

As people bet money on who this Fake IPL Player is, two Knight Riders from the Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) have been fired - Sanjay Bangur and Akash Chopra.

As reported by Zopag.com, KKR's co-owner Shahrukh Khan suspects the duo as the purported bloggers who have been leaking the team's inside news.

However, the Fake IPL Player's last post on April 26 narrates a different story. Somewhere in the beginning of his post, he says:

"We are missing a few members of our family who have gone back home. It's always painful to see some of your own being culled and I am not in any mood for humour."

The blog post is full of KKR-management-bashing in the usual sarcastic, entertaining language. Just as one would want to believe that Bangur and Chopra (a.k.a. Shakespeare and Ganji) were shown the exit door for being the news correspondents of the infamous Fake IPL Player blog, 'The Fake IPL Player' wraps up with a footnote saying:

"P.P.P.S. Initially, I was concerned as I thought they have been sacked on suspicions of being me. But when they spoke to all of us, I was relieved that it has nothing to do with Fake IPL."

Two out, a bunch of others to go? Who dunnit?!!

Fake IPL Blog

A former Bengal Ranji

Match what the Fake IPL Player says with these faces.

captain

It’s an insider’s job — someone who’s not in favour with the current management. It has to be an Indian. But it could or couldn’t be a player. There are many names which come to mind on the basis of the language — Akash Chopra, Murali Kartik or Ajit Agarkar. The person is very good with the language so that’s also an indication.

Former India team member and Ranji player

It could be written by someone who is in the thick of things. It could also be someone from the management who isn’t happy with the decisions taken right now. But I guess, a player would not be jeopardising his career by writing such blogs. The fact that he mentions his brother could also be a distraction — the brother could be an uncle or friend in India. From the lingo, it could be someone who’s been in England as the names used to refer to the players are British. It can also be a player-turned-commentator.

Ashok Malhotra former cricketer and national selector

I have no clue about the blog. I am sitting miles away and I’ve no clue about what is going on in the KR camp. I played my cricket on the field and never knew what happened off it. So I’m unable to comment on it. It can also be a marketing ploy, but who knows?

Sambaran Banerjee, former cricketer and national selector

People are talking about players who might have done it, but we’ve to keep in mind that even support staff attend team meetings along with the players and interact with team members. Nobody seems to be questioning them.

Sourasish Lahiri, player, Kolkata Knight Riders

I was with the team last year. I know the kind of brainstorming that happens during team meeting and the kind of ideas seniors exchange. The entire affair is confidential. I don’t think any player is involved as he knows that once caught, his career will be over. Maybe, some other person, closely associated with the team is doing it deliberately.

Snehasish Ganguly, former cricketer and elder brother of Sourav Ganguly

I don’t how this can happen in the presence of the team owner, coach and captains. I don’t think people associated with the team are doing it. Maybe, someone else is at fault. It’s up to the team owners to find who’s responsible.

Former Bengal cricketer, closely associated with Kolkata Knight Riders

This is nothing but a marketing strategy of Knight Riders. They are doing it in an a well-planned manner. Things are not so easy that a player can write a blog and the team owner, coach and captain will have no clue about it. The team is reaping huge benefits from it.

A former Bengal cricketer and columnist

One has to remember that betting is extremely popular in South Africa. Obviously, this kind of blog will help those associated with the betting industry. We might not know now the amount of money generated by this ‘fake player’s blog’ concept. But in future, this might be just another money making model for the team. This is nothing but a well-chalked out marketing strategy.

Utpal Chatterjee, coach, Bengal cricket team

Players are earning big bucks from the IPL. They don’t need to earn extra. And players will never do it without informing the coach, media manager and team owners. It’s a publicity stunt.

PS: A source close to Knight Riders suggests that the media agency and the team owners are behind this.

South Africans excel in IPL thrillers

DURBAN, South Africa (AFP) — South African seamer Yusuf Abdulla and batsman Mark Boucher held their nerve under pressure in last-over finishes in the Indian Premier League here on Wednesday.

Bangalore Royal Challengers needed 10 runs in the last over to achieve a 140-run target against Kolkata Knight Riders before Boucher smashed spinner Chris Gayle's penultimate delivery for a winning four.

Wicket-keeper Boucher was named man of the match for his unbeaten 25 off 13 balls in Bangalore's five-wicket victory.

Kings XI Punjab owed their three-run win over Mumbai Indians to Abdulla, who bowled an eight-run last over when the opposition required 12 to win. Mumbai were restricted to 116-7 in reply to Punjab's 119-8.

Abdulla ensured Punjab's win in the final over when he dismissed well-set Jean-Paul Duminy, caught in the deep after making a responsible 63-ball 59 -- the day's only half-century.

Deccan Chargers currently lead the eight-team tournament with eights points from four matches, followed by Punjab (6/5), Delhi (6/4), Mumbai (5/5), Rajasthan (5/5), Bangalore (4/6), Chennai (3/5) and Kolkata (3/6).

Mumbai were struggling at 45-4 in the 10th over before South African Duminy sustained his team's hopes with a solid knock containing four boundaries.

Punjab seized the early initiative through pacemen Irfan Pathan, Vikramjeet Malik and Abdulla, who grabbed three of the first four wickets, including those of hard-hitting openers Sachin Tendulkar and Sanath Jayasuriya.

Jayasuriya fell for a duck in the opening over, caught by skipper Yuvraj Singh in the slips off Pathan. Skipper Tendulkar contributed just one before cutting Malik to Mahela Jayawardene at point.

Punjab earlier failed to build a partnership against a disciplined Mumbai attack, with Sri Lankan wicket-keeper Kumar Sangakkara alone offering stiff resistance with an unbeaten 45 off 44 balls.

Teenager Shreevats Goswami also played a big role in Bangalore's victory, top-scoring with 43. The 19-year-old opener hit six fours in his 46-ball knock.

Australian spinner Brad Hodge put pressure on Bangalore with three wickets, but Boucher batted sensibly in the crucial last over to steer his team home.

Bangalore skipper Kevin Pietersen used his spinners intelligently to restrict Kolkata to a modest total. Indian leg-spinner Anil Kumble was the most successful bowler with 2-16 off four overs. South African Morne van Wyk top-scored for Kolkata with 43 not out.

Part-time off-spinner Pietersen himself bowled the opening over and struck with his first delivery, having hard-hitting New Zealand batsman Brendon McCullum caught by Virat Kohli at point.

Kumble was pressed into the attack early in the innings and got a wicket in his opening over when he trapped Hodge (17) leg-before before accounting for Wriddhiman Saha (21).

Left-arm spinner Prabhu Appanna claimed a big wicket when he had West Indies skipper Gayle caught in the deep. Gayle, batting with a runner due to leg cramps in the later part of his innings, hit a 37-ball 40.

IPL restrains Shilpa Shetty from voting

London: Bollywood star Shah Rukh Khan has flown to India from South Africa to cast his vote in the 2009 general elections. Actress Shilpa Shetty regrets that she won't be able to exercise her franchise this time because of the Indian Premier League (IPL). 'I just regret the fact that I won't be in India to cast my vote; I really wanted to this time. Elections have to be taken seriously if you are a responsible citizen. Unfortunately with the unexpected turn of events and the IPL being shifted to SA it's become difficult. I would not miss voting for anything otherwise,' the actress posted on her blog shilpashettylive.com. 'But to all those Indian citizens who want the best for our country, now is the time to make the decision, don't waste your democratic right to choose. Vote!' she added. Shilpa is the co-owner of the Rajasthan Royals team of the IPL.

Battle of the losers

It was a short and sweet trip to Port Elizabeth. We went in, we got fucked, and we came out. Pretty simple and a highly memorable trip indeed. The one good thing coming out of our fantastic performance is that Dildo's returned to India and I am pretty sure that's the last we have seen of him, unless of course we reach the semis. But, I can assure you, we will try our best to save him the trip to SA.

We arrived in Durban yesterday. The weather's much better here, especially compared to Cape Town. The bad news is that we will have a full game, which of course means we have that much of a lesser chance to win.

Today is the mother of all clashes. The two must muddled up teams of the competition go head-to-head. It's almost like a battle for the bottom of the barrell. Both of us have tried every rule in the book to ensure that we finish last. Now, this is the chance to prove to the world that WE are the worst team and not the Bevdaas. I am pretty sure that the Bevdaas are also equally determined to be last. But, my friends, I have full faith in my team and am confident that we will pip them to the post and finish last.

The silent mutiny building up was threatening to explode last night. We had a scheduled team meeting last night. Prior to the meeting, 8 of the 11 Indian team members had met and decided to voice what we feel about our situation, about how we are being treated, and about the fact we have no faith left in Bhookha Naan any more. Most of the guys are insecure that they may be sent back soon. Gilli Danda, the sane man he is, pointed out that with only 11 of us left, if someone was sent back, then Dildo himself will have to pad up for the next match. The logic didn't quite hold in the highly charged and paranoid environment in the room. Mangal Pandey agreed to take the lead. Just for the record, Lordie wasn't in this meeting. It was discussed whether Lordie should be brought into the fold, but Mangal (who probably fancies himself as skipper for the next season) said that we have to fight this out without Lordie. And in the meeting we went with all our guns pointed at the enemy.

Entering the meeting room I got a really funny feeling. Boy George, Bhookha Naan, Phoren Babas and the entire coaching staff (which now probably is larger than the playing staff) was seated and looking at us as we entered. Somewhat like the 70s films when the worker's union went in to negotiate with the management. As we sat down, all of us were looking at Mangal to take out his gun out and start firing. But, the dude must have suddenly developed cold feet and just sat there with his mouth open. Lordie walked in about 3 minutes late. Boy George was the first to start the proceedings with his usual management bull shit about how we are down but not out, we need to stay together, play as a unit etc etc. Come on man. Cut the crap, at least now! Skipper took over from there and offered to resign. He said that he has spoken to Bhookha, and owns up responsibility for the team's performance and is ready to step down if the team is not happy with him. He asked Lordie if he'd like to take over the captaincy. There were signs of some guys hoping for Lordie to say yes. But Lordie is a smart dude. He knows there's very little he can do with this bunch of players. Why clean up after others have crapped all over the house. He played the role the statesman and said that it will be disastrous to change captains midway. There was a discussion on what all has gone wrong so far. Given that almost everything's gone wrong from the time we landed, the discussion was pretty short. There were some discussions on team selection. It was quite obvious that skipper and Bhookha have had a fall out. Bhookha was quiet most of the time. Skipper wants Bhookha to settle his problems with Style Bhai spinner. Style Bhai's been kept out becoz of Bhookha's issues with his attitude. And the skipper wants him back - attitude problem or not. It seems to me that skipper's had enough of it and now wants to stand on his own 2 little feet. Style Bhai told in unequivocal terms that he wants to play. Bhookha is still non committal. Lordie wants Bangla Tiger to be drafted in. Skipper seems to be agreeing. Bhookha has not openly disagreed. But that means that Junta will have to sit out and Style Bhai will come in. Now, whether Bhookha swallows his pride and lets it happen today is a different matter altogether. Bhookha has realised that the water has risen beyond the danger line. I think he is aware that he can't push things much at this stage. Boy George is his best friend at the moment. The 2 of them are responsible for where we find ourselves today.

Now on to some interesting stuff. News from Sheikh's camp is that he has tried every trick up his fingers but Big Sister's still eluded him. Looks like he is finding Big Sister harder to get than even his national captaincy. For now, he seems to be settling for Little Sister. It's not known yet whether the issue has been nailed or not.

Gilly Danda has an interesting take on why skipper's not scoring runs in this tournament. It seems skipper is scared of the consequences, as to what Dildo may expect from him after the match. For hints, please see picture.

Hats Off to Bhookha Naan

It's very early in the morning here. Couldn't sleep well the whole night. We are missing a few members of our family who have gone back home. It's always painful to see some of your own being culled and I am not in any mood for humour.

But, I am in a very respectful mood. I have new found respect for Bhookha Naan and his coterie of ill advisors. I mean, their insight into the game is par excellence. They can see things that us mortals just can't. To begin with they select Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger for a T20 tournament. That itself was genius. And then they sack them after just one inning each. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I thought they played just as all of us had always expected them too.
But, I think Bhookha must have seen something that we couldn't and suddenly realised that they do not fit in. I wish I could fall at their feet and pray for enlightenment. Tell me, Oh my Master, what did you see in those 2 innings that you hadn't known all along? What startling revelation was caught by only your eyes and nobody else's? Tell me, please tell me, your enlightened soul, how do I see things beyond what is obvious?

Unfortunately, for Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger they are genuinely nice blokes and are generally liked by everyone - within and outside the team. But look at the Bubblies. They
have played a master stroke. They have Appam Chutiya in the squad only to piss the opposition off. Imagine, you are all pumped up for the match, have worked out your strategies, and are looking forward to taking on the opposition. You reach the ground and the first sight is that of Appam Chutiya doing some strange break dance steps at the touch line. That's enough to make every gut in your body cringe with revolt, enough to make every vein in your body burst open,
and every muscle in your body react to the extreme pungency. And right then and there, you have lost the match without even a ball being bowled. SUperb! Superb!

May be Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger need to learn some of those tricks to stay in the squad. But, it'll take them some time to do so. Becoz "impression ek din mein nahin banta".

A few hundred kms away, the Bevdaas have problems of a different kind. Their rock star Peter Ka Beta, now known as Re-Peter, is all set to repeat their performance of last season. In fact, they may go one step better this time. What else do u expect when you sign on a star, make him captain, allow him to play only a few matches, forgive him forgetting his own players' names, have fun at ur expense and then return home with a fat pay cheque. Some guys have all the luck, don't they?

Somebody please teach the new age cricket bosses, that building a cricket team is slightly different from selling liquor or masala movies. It takes time, patience, clarity of thought, a sense of belongingness, a common sense of purpose, a clear strategy and much more. It's like nurturing a family. In team sport, the team is not the management that creates the product. The team IS the product. Create the product as if it's your own baby. And it will give you pleasure for a lifetime!

I rest my case. Thank you.

P.S. The dirty work of informing the said players was left to the hired top management of the franchise, although the decision was taken by the Phoren Babas. Everyone's been instructed to keep their mouths shut on the issue, including the sacked players. But let me tell you, the players have not taken this culling too lightly. Mangal Pandey is especially pissed off. So far things are very muted, but an implosion is definitely on the cards. Can't tell you more as many players are involved, some of whom are good friends of mine.

P.P.S. Now we have 11 Indians from whom 7 will be selected and 9 foreigners from whom 4 will be selected. Ratios and Proportions have taken an entirely new meaning for me. I am learning soooo much on this tour that it's not funny.

P.P.P.S. Initially, I was concerned as I thought they have been sacked on suspicions of being me. But when they spoke to all of us, I was relieved that it has nothing to do with Fake IPL.

Big Match

Our big match today. The team isn't finalized yet, but we are unleashing a new weapon for Big Mac. You'll know when u see it. Bhookha Naan has come out with the best strategy of all. We won't have a batting line up. Anyone should be prepared to walk in at any point in time. I am guessing, even Little John will have his crotch guard and helmet on right from the first ball itself.

Durban was where all the action was last night. What else do u expect with the 2 Big Bs in the same city - the Bubblies and the Bevdaas. 330, that's the name of the night club at Point Road Durban where the party shifted after the match. All the usual suspects were there. Bevdaa was there under the watchful eyes of Peter Ka Beta. They weren't exactly in high spirits. Neither would you if you'd just had a cork opener stuck in yous ass by your boss, reminding you that every run you scored so far has cost him $250,000. The bubblies were celebrating Patiala style, Prince had his hands full and the pack gawked around awkwardly. RVR Sing, who seems to have got silicon implants between seasons, was showing off his twin sisters wearing a thin, tight t-shirt. Would somebody please tell him that men's tits aren't exactly considered sexy? And Appam was as usual busy making a fool of himself. He almost got his ass kicked last night. Appam has this uncanny ability to piss off anyone who's unfortunate enough to come within 2 kms of him. Even God must have been really pissed with him to make him look like this. And he got too close for comfort to Peter Ka Beta. The Prince had to pull him away and was heard saying, "Saale. Kiss-se panga le raha hai? Agar yeh thappad maarega naa toh rone laayak bhi nahin rahega". Unfortunately, better sense prevailed and Appam wasn't seen near PKB for the rest of the evening.

Btw, I read some comments and I hate to disappoint you. Little John is indeed scoring and I am not exactly talking about his performance with the bat here. So all you guys out there who can't get chicks coz the way you look, think of a career change seriously.

P.S Word has it that with dropping TRPs, Sandy's hemlines been going up. True?

Emosional Atyachaar

I am back guys! Things have been pretty tight lately. There's been a crackdown. Every player is looking over his shoulder. Nobody knows who I am. But I exist, right within them, right next to them. Every breath they take, every move they make. I am watching! And they know it. And they are scared. They are worried.

Now on to the cricket. What a match we had last evening. Lordie almost saw us through. After the match Dildo came down and chatted up with us. I think his IPL dreams are going up in smoke, and this time he ain't doin' the smokin'. Everyone was pretty down, most of all Lordie. He appeared really pissed after the match, I mean, so pissed that we had to wear the crotch guard near him. He didn't quite scream and shout at anyone, but he was chillingly terrifying. Dildo shook hands with Lordie, exchanged a few words, but Lordie didn't seem to respond too warmly. But, you know what, you got to hand it to the Sheikh. The man's always thinking ahead of the rest. Imagine opening the bowling with Sheeghra-Patan when Calypso is on strike, and giving the super over to Akram Azam. Takes balls man. I think the difference b/w the two teams really boils down to leadership on the field. While the Sheikh controls the game from the ground, our game is controlled remotely. In a crunch situation, you can't be looking to the stands for inspiration, right?

Team meetings had already become quite secretive over the last few days. Our 11 was announced about 20 minutes before the toss. Some of the guys being dropped made sense, but the ones replacing them baffled me. I can understand that you drop Shakespeare in a T20, but replacing him with Ganji Hanger makes no sense to me at all. It's almost like discarding a scooter because it's too slow and buying a moped instead. And I wonder how Kaan Moolo improved his cricket so fast to make yet another comeback. I have a feeling, he would be making comebacks even when my grand children are watching cricket. I was happy to see Chintu Singh in the squad though. He is young, talented, very accurate and regularly troubles even Calypso in the nets. I felt Lordie wanted either him or Little John to bowl the super over. And for when we were batting, Lordie was all ready to go in himself. He was all warmed up and stroking well and any man with half a brain would've sent him. But hey! In the era of IT, you got to go with what the laptop says, right? I am not sure how much the Sheikh owes his cricketing acumen to his "laptops", tho'.

For tomorrow's game, our fast bowlers spent time with Candy Nickle discussing Big Mac. He's the big threat. We still don't know our XI for tomorrow. But, since I haven't been blogging lately, I had a lot of time to play captain..er... sorry...Coach. I'd bring in the reserve keeper for his lower order batting skills. Remember last season? But, I doubt if he will get in coz the coach's laptop had crashed a few months ago, and all data from last season was lost.

Another sitting with the broadcasting folks has brought out some interesting facets of how thing's work out here. Being right here, I can tell you that the grounds are pretty sparsely filled, especially during the first inning. But the broadcasting team has been told to keep talking about the excitement and the fever at the ground. The camera men have been instructed not to pan towards empty stands. And the producers keep telling the spectators to scream and shout when the cam pans to them. I don't know what you guys sense on TV, but watching it from here, the so-called 'excitement' and 'energy' seems even faker than this blog. And the production staff has all the gossip. News is that the Sandy Maddy Babe bet is off, as more than one is claiming to have won. The joker, (the anchor mentioned in my previous post) is the butt of all jokes within the broadcasting team. There's an assembly line of jokes on him and his knowledge of cricket. Apparently, when asked where long leg is, he pointed at Big Sister. I wonder if pointed at Dildo when asked abt Short Leg. News from the Bevdaas is that the Bevda has told Batlivala that his forced dry spell is responsible for his dry spell in the middle. Come on guys. You didn't sign him on based on how good a Catholic he is, right? Let the bloke have his two drops of poison and score some runs for you.

Finally, blogging through SMSes was getting too tedious, tardy and fraught with risk. So, I have quit doing that. I have a new partner in crime. Can't tell much abt him right now but he has introduced me to a technology which allows me to keep posting with minimal risk. This time round I won't disclose my modus operadi as it may expose my partner. I have sworn to maintain his secrecy even if I am caught.

Laterzzz gentlemen.

P.S. I saw some of the comments. Let me tell you that I don't twitter so the ID is fake. I am not on orkut or facebook. The only place where you find the Real Fake IPL Player is here.

Experiment flopped

Alright, the last blog was experimental. Me relaying the info to bro, who uses all his creative skills at hand to post it. Looks like it turned out quite crappy, as expected. So, its back to the painful ol' days of keying it all in.

Been watching a fair bit of today's game. And boy, now I know what you guys have been subjected to all these days. The joker anchoring the show was funny without intending to be so. At least Sandy Baddy Babe has a few tricks up her sleeve to distract the viewer from what she says. But this bloke had absolutely nowhere to hide. And god knows what nasty thing he did to his barber to get such a hair cut. The only saving grace was his really high IQ. He asks Ross Taylor, "Are you happy that your team has lost the toss?". Whatever Taylor answered was certainly not enough as our man whipped out his next thunderbolt: "Are you happy that you are not in the team today?". Dunno what answer he expected..."Yes, mate. Who doesn't want to get paid for just sitting around?"

Now to our team. We had a team meeting but hardly anything of note was discussed. Looks like things are secret until the mole is caught. Most guys in contention have been asked to be prepared. Lordie was there in the meeting, although he didn't speak much. We don't know the XI and I don't expect more than possibly one change.

P.S. Enjoyed RP's i'view ;-)

BubLee aur Babli

(Passing news from the Bubbles camp. Please sing to the tune of Bunty Aur Babli)

Are u ready, sit down,
Let me tell you a lil story,
'bout 2 cool cats,
yeah, BubLee aur Babli,
comin' at an angle,
that they hotter than the rest,
when ya look at them,
them do pass the test.

them do pass the test

Don' t look back,
He' s comin' into attack,
He' s takin' it side by side,
He' s takin' it front to back,
He' s takin' it all around the world,
Never, never will he stop this
BubLee!

Pun - ja - bi
She be fakin' it with Bunty,
She be havin' it with BabLee,
She be doin' it dirty,
She be on a mission, she be livin', she be killin',
She be Babli!

BubLee aur Babli,
BubLee aur Babli,
They are having a lot of fun,
When Bunty is on the run,
Oh - ho oh - ho

BubLee aur Babli,
BubLee aur Babli,
It's so much fun to do it
When Bunty's payin for it
Oh - ho oh - ho

and 2gether they ride
chori, chori tonight
2gether they hide
chori, chori, tonight
2gether they ride, 2gether they hide,
2gether they fly, into the sky,
2gether they rise above the world,
2gether they return, chori chori everynight

BubLee aur Babli,
BubLee aur Babli,
They are having a lot of fun,
When Bunty is on the run,
Oh - ho oh - ho

Oh - ho oh - ho

Oh - ho oh - ho

Oh - ho oh - ho

Oh - ho oh - ho

"Oh - ho oh - hoOh - ho oh - hoOh - ho oh - hoOh - ho oh - hoOh - ho oh - hoOh - ho oh - ho!"
- Bunty

This team rocks

The best thing about being part of this team is that it's never short of any excitement. News is that the team management and the Phoren Babas think that Lordie is Fake IPL. Apparently, he was called into the CEO's room where Dildo, Coachie, and Skipper, politely asked him about it. But, they forget that this is THE LORD OF THE RING they are dealing with. The man who has punched every possible cricket establishment in the face and continues to live by his own rules. Lordie would have nothing of it and walked off in a huff using the choicest words possible. After that, the camp's divided again. Lordie is kind of on his own. Most fringe players think that it's better to align with the New Order.

Btw, too much has been made out of Lordie being kept out of team meetings. He wasn't kept out. It wasn't a meeting. It was just one of the several times that the Phoren Babas and their little balls hang out together, Lordie finds his own company and others like me wander around hoping that someone would pull us into their camp.

The team management is tracking this blog carefully. They have identified 12 members of playing/non-playing staff who are beyond suspicion. Every body else is a suspect until the real one is caught. Someone even mentioned that there's a reward on for anyone who catches the me red handed. May be they should install CCTV cameras in the bathrooms... Hmmmm... I am sure Dildo will enjoy that!

P.S. I am unable to check comments so can't respond to them. But my bro tells me that some of you have been complaining about me deleting comments. Let me clarify, that no comments have been deleted by me so far.

Morning Training report

Finally some good weather. Team is upbeat after y'day's win. Lordie seemed very focused during training. He actually ran, and almost as fast as he did yesterday after taking the wicket! Little John skipped as it was optional training. I can understand it, he is after all a fast bowler and he def needed some time off after the "intense workout" he must have had last night. This is what I love abt top sportsmen. No matter how gawky u look or how sqweaky u speak, u still get the chicks. Dildo made an appearance at training. I can sense cold vibes b.w. Dildo and Lordie. I think if Lordie scores some runs now, he will have a jibe at Dildo. Am waiting... ;-)

Players love it

Players luv the blog. Y'day, after the match each & every player read it, incl yours truly ;-). Apparently, players of all teams are reading it. Appam Chutiya's name is now cast in stone as his own players are also calling him that. Haha. This is fun. Btw, most players in my team think that this is Coachie himself. They credit him with far too much smarts than he deserves. More ltr.

When the going gets tough

In Cape Town. Laptops hv bn banned. I'net removed fm rooms. But posts wl continue thru SMS, relayed by my bro in India. Tc

I love match days

Guys, before I start on this one, I feel like answering all the comments. But, the comments are coming in so thick and fast that I just cant manage. Plus, there's a time constraint and I need to write about everything on my mind before my roomie returns.

All of us love match days. Most love it because they get to play in front of a crowd. It's a kind of rush. As for me, the best part is that you get to meet all players from the other team. Plus, this tournamnt has the pleasures of seeing all the cheerleaders in action. Plus, there are some nice looking team owners who can hold your attention for a while. But, most of all, I enjoy sitting around with the broadcasting and event management guys. They are a store house of information. For example, did you know that the commentary team has a few rounds of bets going on. One of the bets is on which commentator will end up bedding the Sandy Baddy babe. Several of the commentators are part of this betting syndicate. They have all pooled in $200 each, and the one who ends up bedding her gets all the money. If nobody beds her, they spend it all in one night of partying in Jo'burg. 2 commentators - our Kishen Kanhaiyya and the one who crossed over the border for this tournament - have a score card going of how much of the fairer sex company each will enjoy during this 36 day extravaganza. And there's money in this bet too.

Learnt a very interesting piece of news. Not sure if it's true or not. Apparently, Appam Chutiya wasn't slapped by Meera Bhai during last yr's tournament. He was crying because his team owner Babli hugged everyone after the match other than him. The Prince of Patiala saw an opportunity to take Meera Bhai out of the equation and accused him of slapping Appam. I think Appam is still waiting for that hug.

That's it guys. More later...

The Lord Returns

As we reached the ground, the drizzle had stopped but the clouds were still hovering around. For the first time I felt that the squad believes it can win today. Lordie was all fired up. He was leading the warm up session. He walked up to the Skipper and spoke to him for about 5 minutes. I could sense that, right at that very moment, we were witnessing a huge shift in our mindset today.

After the warm-ups, the 11 was announced. And I realised that I had got everything wrong. If I were to read too much into it, I could come up with a conspiracy theory that the management had done this to prove me wrong. But, I will just own it up. I saw the back-up keeper practicing so hard that I felt he was in. And the same goes for our Bangla Tiger. And, I tried to play skipper in selecting Junta Tormentor. Anyway, I got them all wrong which clearly shows that I am not as smart as I pretend to be.

Before the skipper went out to toss, I had a first-hand experience of what made Lordie such an accomplished captain during his time. He took over the match briefing, and boy, was he charged up or what. He just let loose, telling the boys what is expected of them, telling them that they are part of the best team in IPL and they need to stand up and be counted. (I must tell you that I stood up right at that moment, but I don’t think the counting was on then). And he has balls too. Imagine the slowest member of the team chastising guys twice as fast on matters such as agility, speed and throwing. I mean, it takes some special kind of confidence to do so. I am convinced he has royal blue blood running through his veins. We mortal beings would never manage to do this.

On a serious note though, the man knows how to motivate the boys. He may be slow on the field and, at this age, slow off the field as well. May be he doesn’t understand T20 well enough, but when it comes to being of leader of men, there are few who can match him.

Dildo had joined us during that time. He stood there deep in thought probably wondering if he is backing the right horse. By the time the skipper went out to toss, I knew that the toss didn’t really matter. We have the match in our bag. Chatterjee Kaku was right, after all

Why Kaan Moolo got the Boot

Back to the breakfast. I was observing everyone from a distance. I don’t know if it was my imagination fueled by guilt conscience or what, but I felt that everyone was talking about the blog. I also felt my movements were being analyzed by everyone in the room. I hadn’t quite prepared myself to deal with this situation. Should I act cool, or should I get aggressive, should I start pointing fingers, or should I crack jokes on the blog? I was very conscious not to do something out of character. Just then, I did exactly the opposite. I picked up my plate and walked straight to Coachie’s table.

Coachie was talking to Kaan Moolo. I sat down and started nibbling on my toast. Overhearing them, I figured that Kaan Moolo has had his kaan moolo’d and is out of the Playing 11. Coachie was explaining to him reasons for why he is being left out. Let me summarize Coachie’s 5-minute monologue to Kaan Moolo. He essentially said that Kaan Moolo has a bright future, he just needs to work on his game a little bit. Basically, all he needs to do is improve his bowling, batting and fielding. That’s it. And he’s back in the team. Little does Coachie know that the exact same words have been spoken by each of Kaan Moolo’s coaches since 1998 – The Baja of Baroda said that, as did John Wrong after him, as did Havaii Chappal subsequently. What makes Coachie think that at the ripe young age of 32, Kaan Moolo would finally turn over a new leaf. Anyway, I observed that Kaan Moolo’s ears were getting red by the minute. There’s a secret fantasy I have. One day, I want to plug in my set top box into Kaan Moolo’s ass and see if his ears catch the Tata Sky signals.

The hunter has become the hunted

Boy, this has been an eventful day. And finally, I manage to get away from everyone to report it to you. Dont think I can crunch everything in one post, so will post several.

When I reached the coffee shop for breakfast, I could sense the tension in the room. The curious case of the blog, which till last night had been confined to a select few, was by now common knowledge and the subsequent witch hunt was already on.

Two of the four suspects were seen sitting at Lordie’s table talking to him. I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of the situation. These blokes probably didn’t even know what a blog was till today morning, and now were being accused of writing one that could finish their careers. The 3rd suspect is a senior cricketer who has already made his mark as a writer. Come on man. Give him a break. He knows that the team’s being nice enough to let him hone his test match skills in IPL, do they think he’ll return that favour this way? The 4th suspect is a non-playing staff member. But you know what, every cloud has a silver lining. Till last night I thought that if there's one thing in which no one can beat the coach, it would be in a game of “Who’s dumber than a fifth grader?”. But now, after seeing the list of suspects released by the team administration, I think Coachie wouldn't win at that either.

We Play Today Again

It's past 7 am. We had an early training session today. There was a drizzle throughout and the rain seems to have become harder. Some of us have just returned from the session while some others are still at it. Honing their skills for the match today. This is the one match that everyone believes we can win. There are just 2-3 opposing players to take care of while they bat. And their bowling is pretty weak. So, we have a chance today and everyone seems to think so. But, only if the weather gods permit.

Last night some senior players met with the management to discuss this blog. Apparently, some Bengali journalist heard about this blog from his friend in India. The news spread fast amongst the journalistic circles. Initially, they suspected someone within their fraternity to be doing so. Some of the stuff written on the blog seemed to match the grapevine that they had heard too. One of them went and asked one senior player about it. Who, apparently, asked "Eyi Blog Maane Kee?". Eventually, it was reported to the management and the CEO with his team took a look at it. They want to catch me within 24 hours. And a witch hunt is on. There are 4 suspects. The funny thing is that I am not on the list. Unfortunately, they are going after young players who seem to match my description (as described in the blog). Has it occurred to anyone that I might have described myself incorrectly to hide my identity? Little John was called to enquire who all were there when he was talking about his friendly chat with the coach. But there were 9 people in the room at the time. Anyway, I hope no young, promising player gets penalised for my actions. I hope better sense prevails amongst the management.

The only drawback of all the attention is that I will have to be much more discreet in posting my blogs. And I will only write about things that others in the team also know. The other drawback is that team meetings are much more secretive now. We still don't know who all are playing today. But, going by how the guys were practicing, I get a feeling that the skipper is not going to keep today. Also, one new bowler will get a look in - either our spin bowling will be made stronger or the Bangla Tiger will get a look in (depending on the conditions). Due to the weather, nobody's had a look at the wicket yet. So far, spinners seem to be winning matches for their respective teams. So, there's the thought of including Junta Tormentor in the side. (I couldn't believe that he was left out in the first place). But again, this is Durban and if the pitch plays to reputation our Bangla Tiger will be quite a handful. Either of these 2 guys is definitely in, depending on how our coach reads the pitch. Did you know, he is the only man in the world who can read the pitch on his laptop?

Off to breakfast. Our game starts at 12.30 pm (local time). We will head to the ground at 10.30 am. And that's where the final XI will be announced. Although, there's one thing I already know about the Final XI - I am not in :-)

Match Eve

It's been a fairly uneventful day really. Everybody's going about doing his own thing. No fireworks, no discussions. The team meeting happened on schedule and everyone was there. Before the meeting, everybody seemed good spirits. There was banter, all in good humour. I tell you, this Calypso King is the most interesting character I have ever met. He is really funny... I mean... rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeaaallllly funny. And he has this poker faced way of ribbing people that had everyone in splits before Coachie reminded us that we are with this team by starting his first set of rambles on what went wrong yesterday. He has good memory though. He even remembers the number of times a batsman adjusts his crotch guard. He has come up with the most innovative strategy ever for tomorrow's match. Tomorrow, we will aproach our innings very ingenously. If we lose an early wicket or two during powerplay, we will consolidate the inning rather than go for maximum. Man, nobody ever thought this before. Also, the skip may not keep, the young aussie may not play, and the Bangla Tiger may get a look in. So expect a couple of major changes tomorrow. The 11 will be announced at our last meeting before the match - 2 hrs from time of play.

By the way, I am remembering Chatterjee Kaku who tells us on TV, "iss baar tum bhi jeetoge". I want to ask him whether that ad was recorded recently or before the last IPL. Sure doesn't look like he is referring to IPL 2009.

The Wright Way

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am a little stunned by all the attention being bestowed upon me. I mean, I never really expected this. I started this blog only to vent out my frustration. I never wanted this to become so talked about. I woke up today with just one follower on my blog. Right now, just after dinner, I have 17. Is the blog getting too big for me? Am I creating my own Frankenstein? I thought about stopping this altogether. But I believe in doing the right thing. I also believe that while doing the right thing is important, it's equally important to do it the right way. I think the time's right for me to do the right thing the right way. Please read the disclaimer given below.

DISCLAIMER
All characters appearing in this work (blog) are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Danke / Merci

P.S. Let the blogs go on... :-)

Durban... Raining here as well

Landed in Durban. A 2-hour flight, made shorter by the quick nap I took and some excitement just as we had started to descend. Our main spinner has been seen getting quite cosy with the new establishment. The spinner was also there at Opium last night celebrating our defeat. If you think of it, most of the guys there were from the defeated teams.

One of the Lordie's boys (a batsman) commented on the spinner saying that he should get some sleep on the flight coz he hasn't slept since he came to SA (apparently). To which the spinner responded saying "At least I don't go to sleep while batting or bowling". It was as bad as bowling a beamer. Lordie's boy reacted just as any batsman would and was ready to get up from his seat and confront the spinner. Lordie had to intervene, said something to the boy and pacified him. I was sooo looking forward to an altercation. Would have added so much more spice to this post.

Lordie has been conducting himself really well. I must say. He has swallowed his pride, is being very cordial to the new establishment, even offers tips to the new skipper (which the skipper puts in the trash can anyway). On the whole, I am getting quite fond of Lordie as well as the new skipper. Both are nice blokes. But I just don't like the Coach and his entourage. They hang out together, almost like its' a Us vs Them. They are all the time talking amongst themselves, in a low pitch so no one can hear. We are quite suspitious of the lot.

Our back up keeper tells me that Badshah Dildo called up Coachie in the morning and told him what he thinks of our performance yesterday. Not that it was needed coz we could all see how we have performed. I think his patience is going to run thin this time round. Coach hasn't spoken to anyone since last night's defeat. He was on his laptop the entire time that I have seen him today. I think he wants to send his laptop in to bat in the next time, given the amount of time he spends with it. May be if he spent half that time with us players, we may win a match or two.

By the way, it's raining in Durban as well. I hope it rains tomorrow and the match's called off. At least we'll get a point. I don't see any other way out for us.

Will update you once we have our team meeting later today. Till then, adios!

Opium Night

As I write this I am nursing a slight hangover and sleep deprivation. It's 6.30 am here, I have just woken up. My roomie is still asleep so it gives me a good chance of posting this blog. I went out clubbing last night, returned at 4.30, barely managed to sleep for a couple of hours and here I am. Not that I have much to do here, so I can peacefully sleep through the day without anyone noticing. The only problem is that we leave for Durban today morning to play the Bubblies. Now, that will be something.

I have hit it off well with the Sports Management company manager who handles our PR. He is a smart young MBA-type Bombayite. Good sense of humour, must be good with the ladies, knows all the hot spots to go to. Good guy to know. He invited me to join him downtown for a night out at a club.

We took a cab to Opium. And what a club it is. I mean, I have never seen a club as pulsating as Opium. The club was packed, the crowd was trendy and chic, the babes were hot and slutty, there was a live band playing. I mean, the place was happening.

And guess what. The most colourful characters of IPL were there. At the entrance, we had our Kishen Kanhaiyya commentator standing right in front of me. Can't miss him with his height, pot belly and receding hairline. Thanks to my Sports Manager friend, we got in without paying. Inside, some of the bubblies were there. Prince of Patiala was there with some of his team boys. All tall fast bowlers. They were gawking at all the sexy babes on the dance floor. Prince though seems to attract a lot of attention from the ladies. Appam Chutiya was also there. I don't know what he is doing in SA coz he aint fit to play at all. Apparently, he is their main cheerleader. If so, I don't see him dancing around in mini skirts at the boundary line. But he sure was dancing here. Doing his stupid, ill-rhythmed break dance steps on club beats. He stood in one corner as if he doesn't want to get mobbed. But dude, nobody here cares a fuck for who you are. To them you are just a duffus with colored hair, glasses and strange dance steps. I went to the bar counter to get myself a drink. I overheard 2 girls talking. One of them seemed to be of Indian origin. They were talking about Appam Chutiya. One of them said that "he doesn't have a nose. He has 2 large holes instead of a nose". I burst out laughing. Kishen Kanhaiyya (KK) commentator hung around the bar with a 30+ well endowed white woman. She wore a sleeveless dress, full length with a generous neckline. KK seemed to be going for the kill. The prey in this case was happy enough to be hunted. They left the place together around 1 am. The Patiala Prince's gang was hanging around like a pack of hyenas. They would be gawking at any piece of meat walking by. Eventually, the Prince went in to get his share of the meat, a couple of others tried their luck. The rest went back to the rooms with nothing but their bats in their hands.

As for me, I got what I wanted. My 2 hours of sleep. Now, I pack my bags and am on to Durban.

More later guys. Take care.

I knew it!

Didn't I tell you all along that we have no chance in hell to do better than last time round. But now I am changing my prediction. We will be last placed in this IPL. Haha! Lovely. What do you expect from a team that's as confused as a...well... uh... I can't think of anything as confused as our team, but I think you get the point. We knew who all are playing and detailed strategies were worked out for every opposition player. As for our batting, we knew exactly how to approach our inning. Play your strokes in the first 6, get to about 50-1. Then Lordie guides the middle order through. Keep wickets till the 15th. And then go hammer and tongs. Brilliant strategy coachie. But for one small problem. What happens if we are 20-3 off 8. We hadn't planned for that. So, one player walks in and starts auditioning for a test match role. When he gets out, the next one walks in and wallops a six off the first ball. And then, predictably gets out. To each his own, that seemed to be the mantra. Thanks to Little John and co. we managed to get to 3 figures. Between the innings, while coachie was deep in his thoughts on how to philosophise our beautiful batting display, his deputy and the skipper gave their pep talks. They were seen in animated discussions with our fast bowling attack comprising India's best fast bowler, a good India prospect and a former India fast bowler who will remain a former India fast bowler for the rest of his career. All strategies were put to rest while on the field and we were finished.

Our owner, Badshah Dildo didn't make an appearance after the match. There was a bit of stillness about things. Nobody talked too much. Lordie didn't gloat at all, possibly because of his own miserable score. The setting was right for him to play a magical inning and show Dildo what he's all about. The Coach was shitting bricks, I think. You can't tell much from his exterior, but it's the Coach who is running the show now and he has to take the flak. He had told Dildo that if Dildo wants the IPL, he's got to let him run it his way. Otherwise, he can't guarantee the IPL. But now, he's got everything he wanted. He has his own entourage, most of whom do nothing but lob balls during fielding practice. Dildo's paying for everything. He's got his own captain. He has his team. Now all that's required is for us to win a match or two. I think we have a chance against the Bubblies from land of 5 rivers. But even then, if Prince of Patiala gets going, we are finished.

Dildo's cold shoulder's going to hurt for a long time. I am waiting to see if he hangs around in SA after we lose the first 3 matches.

We are now back in our hotel rooms. Just generally chilling out. And planning for the exciting night ahead.

Load Shedding

Load shedding! The word I heard a lot as I was growing up in Cal. It has happened right here in Cape Town. One of the lights went out and they were trying to fix it. Imagine. The whole day it rained. When the rain stopped the lights went out. Shit! That meant our owner Dildo came over to the dug out and ate our heads out. With all that attitude, jumping around, hugging, stupid jokes, pep talk etc etc. The most excited was our new buddy from Bangladesh. Clicking pictures with the star.

The light's almost fixed now. I will rush back. And guys! A big surprise. I am sending this from the Coach's laptop. The guy roams with a global internet sim card, all charged to Dildo bhaiyya! Haha. Mr. Gavaskar, pls write about this...

Rains and ruins

It's 2.45 pm here. We were supposed to leave for the ground at 2.45 pm. Most of us assembled at our hotel lobby at 2.30 as scheduled. We waited on for 10 minutes for the big boys to arrive. Then Mr Kaan Moolo, the former India fast bowler who built his career sucking the lord's dick told us that there's been a change in plan. Now, we will leave at 3.15. So, we are back in our rooms. Apparently, Vinnie Dildo (our owner) is here. He is sitting with the coach, phoren babas and Lordie himself. I wonder if Little John's little act of mutiny has anything to do with it. For now, we just sit around twiddling our thumbs.

It's still raining here. I can't see how we will get a game... As for me, I am looking forward to seeing Preity Zinta from closer quarters. Wanna see if her skin really glows the way it does on screen... I have the hots for her.

I don't know if I'll get to post before the match now. But I am carrying my laptop in my kit. If I get a connection there and if nobody's watching, I may just slip in a post.

Till then...alvida!

First sign of dissent

Guys, the first sign of dissent against the New Order. Not surprisingly, the one Indian who can take his place for granted in our line up has stood up. During our meeting when our jackass coach was telling our fast bowlers on how to bowl at the Pedophile Priest, he had said that we will play on a new wicket and hence the ball will have carry etc. But now it turns out that we are playing on the same wicket that was used for both matches yesterday. I had gone to the room of our fast bowler Little John. His state-mate Shikhar Dhawan was also there. Little John was hopping mad at how the coach hadn't even done his home work and was misguiding us. I asked him how does his affect his strategy. He blabbered something like "strategy kya hai yaar, lekin pata toh hona chahiye na ki pitch kya hai". Little John says that his very very special friend Ram, who is playing against us today, mentioned it off-hand expecting us to know this already. After that Little John barged into the Coach's room and let loose. I can only imagine Little John standing in front of our equally little Coach and screaming in his wierd, hoarse voice, "You tell new pitch. But it's old pitch. How you tell how to do balling when you dont know pitch".

Anyway, it's nice to meet Shikhar. We have played against one another for a few seasons. I think he deserves to be in the Indian side. Definitely ahead of that Virat Kohli whom nobody likes in the domestic circuit. I hope Shikhar and Abhishek Nayar perform well and make it to India's T20 World Cup squad. Both deserve it, and both are very good human beings too.

It's still raning guys... We may not get a game

Lord not opening

Just out of the team meeting held in the Coach's suite. Skipper did most of the talking. He is opening with the Calypso King. Lord Almighty is at No. 3. Some bull-shit about using his experience to guide the middle order, similar to what the other 2 of the troika did yesterday. Lord sat there straight faced. Didn't say much. Didn't smile at all. I was standing at one corner straight across the Lord. And given my height and stature I can go quite unnoticed. I was observing the Lord carefully, each twitch of his eyes, every movement of his thumb, his gaze. He is very unhappy and uncomfortable. Being treated like this in front of his bacchas.

Btw, I can see from my window that the rain's getting harder. I wonder if we'll get 2 matches in today.

Long night...short post

This is a quick one A little birdie just told me that the Sheikh of Tweak tried to get over yesterday's defeat by diving into 3 pairs of mammary land. As per reports, the 3 angels surrounded him after the opening ceremony and the 4 left together for the Sheikh's hotel. The Rajputs, Sheikh's team, didn't train today morning and the Sheikh wasn't seen at breakfast either.

We play today

We have just returned from our morning training session. It was a good session. Everyone turned up. And everyone was serious. Lord Almighty was as serious as I have ever seen. RDB was bowling short at him and at his rib cage. Lord handled it quite well, mostly. Once or twice he did get caught up with his technique though. Lord practiced his inside-out shot over cover a lot. I remember, way back in 2001, he had slaughtered an international pace attack in the one dayers hitting over covers for sixes. He knows he needs to stamp his authority over the team and the tournament. He wants to teach Dildo and the Phoren Babas a lesson for messing with him. Especially after the other two who form the troika with him scored 50's yesterday guiding their respective teams to victory.

After the session, the new skipper gave us a pep talk. He talks well though, and seems committed. Our coach, the professor, is quite a bore. I just don't understand what goes through that head of his. In fact, I don't understand a word he says. But I like the new skip. He seems to be a good man. He wants to win. But I don't think he knows my name yet. And the Lord... well... he smiled to me yesterday. I am not sure who's side I will take. Well, whoever gives me a game in this IPL will have my loyalty forever.

Last night inauguration was quite a bore. I enjoyed the 2 songs performed by Snow Patrol and the laser show was ok. Rest of it was quite a bore. The players just stood in the middle chatting amongst themselves. Prince Charles of Patiala was cracking lewd and stupid jokes about the skimpily clad girls who were performing. And the fringe players in his team were laughing so loudly that I thought they will call off the ceremony because of that. Not that his jokes were funny. It's just that you got to laugh at the boss' jokes if you want to be in the side. Btw, the bevdaa who got out on duck yesterday almost hit the bottle after the ceremony before his team management wisked him away. I think they have put 3-4 bodyguards around him to keep him away from the bar...Hahaha... My former school team mate is playing with the Bevdaas. Before the opening ceremony I went up to him to congratulate him. Apparently, the Bevdaas owner Mr. Batlivala had sent him man into the dressing room between innings. And his displeasure with the batting display was conveyed in no uncertain terms to the team. Apparently, the threat was quite real. Also seen before the opening ceremony was our Lord Almighty in an intense chat with the Little Monster. I think he was venting his frustration with Vinnie Dildo and the Phoren Babas.

I think the Lord is under pressure. Our team for today is still not announced yet. But, I think it's clear that Lord is playing and also opening. He will probably be joined by the Calypso King while the new skipper will come lower down. Strange decisions. If you don't have the Lord as captain, no point keeping him in the team either. Coz he can't outrun even a tortoise. If I am in, at least I'll save some runs even if I dont score more than him. Anyway, thankfully the team doesn't trust me to serve drinks or carry messages either. So, I will just put up my feet and enjoy a good game of cricket from the best seat in the stadium.

Will write again as soon as the team's decided.

In the Stadium for Opening Ceremony

We have reached the stadium for the opening ceremony. Our owner Mr. Vinnie Dildo is here with his ravishing wife (My...she's hot) and his son. Haven't seen the rest of his bumchums yet... We are in one of the boxes and there's a laptop here with wi-fi connection in the stadium...WOW! I thought I must blog from here, it's kind of exciting... The guys sitting here have no idea that the world has a mole inside IPL...ME!

Lord Almighty just walked past me. He nodded at me and acknowledged my presence, for the first time I think. That's a start. He has been kind of insecure since yesterday when he was stripped of his captaincy. He is trying to gauge who all are in his side. Most of us are just plain confused. We are just playing the middle path... me, keeping myself at a distance from both parties - Lord Almighty and the Phoren Babas. Others, however, are sucking up to both... Haha!

Looks like the Bevdaas have pipped the champs. Way to go boys. I can see the Bevdaa's owner Mr. Batlivala grinning from ear to ear. You can actually see his teeth through his moustache and bear. Our owner's looking quite dashing in his formal suit and tie. I wonder if all those rumours about him are true or not. If they are true, may be Lord Almighty should keep his door unlocked tonight to get back his captaincy. But again, this bit of politics does add some colour to our otherwise lacklustre team....

Got to go guys. The Bevdaas have won. Now on to the opening ceremony. Cheers!

Rumours and all

It's close to 5 pm here. The first match just got over. Mumbai Indians played like champs and won. But there's all sorts of tension in our hotel. My roomie tells me that Lord Almighty may not get selected in the 11. And as I went to confirm this with our opening bowler, my state-mate and long-time friend, he says that Lord Almighty has decided to return to India. I don't know what to believe and what not to. And if the team's 16th man like me can get affected by this, I am sure the others are getting severely affected. What was Winnie Dildo thinking before ditching his skipper in favour of the coach. A coach who nobody other than this guy believes in. The day we had landed in SA, I was sitting at the bar with my teammate, the young former India player who will remain a former India player, the Sheikh of Tweak was also at the bar counter. He was chatting up one giggly, sexy twenty-something. And as a way to impress her, he was cracking jokes on our Phoren coach (someone he had played under a few yrs ago). In fact, he even said that if our coach had done a better job of picking up the balls after nets, they would have won the Ashes a few yrs ago. (Apparently, their main bowler - called a sparrow or parrot or something - slipped on a ball during nets, injured his ankle and flew back).

Anyway, back to our team. It seems Lord Almighty has some deciding to do. And so do our Phoren Babas. As I speak, the Bevdaa Team has elected to bat against Big Sister's team. I think the Bevdaa Team owner has played a master trick. He has about 6 bevdaas in his side. And this time he is not serving free beer. It seems the latest bevdaa is going to spend all his IPL money on his owner's beer.

Back to our team...again... as I write this, 3 of our players - our backup keeper, our frontline bowler, and our former Indian player - are in Lord Almighty's room. And our Phoren Baba duo has been joined by our Calypso King in one room. I wonder what they might be discussing! We shall know all about it tomorrow morning at breakfast. And guess who will be the first to report on it...He he he...he he he... he.. hehehe.....

The first match begins

We returned from our practice session today just in time to see the first toss of the IPL. Lord Almighty, who till the other day was our skipper, paid a visit for training. He came, he saw, he jogged and returned. The Coach and new skipper have hit it off well. Lord Almighty mostly ignored them and the emotion was reciprocated. Most of us, fringe guys, don't know what to do about the new power situation. We have worshipped Lord Almighty all our lives. And suddenly, he is just one of us. And we have new rulers, with accents to boot. Our owner, Mr. Vinnie Dildo, seems to think that the Phoren Babas will get him the IPL, something that Lord Almighty couldn't do earlier. Little does he know that we will do as well as we did last time round. It's just that we shall have more fun this time round as we are in South Africa. The established players have already started having fun, and the rest of us are hoping that as time goes by some of their crumbs will fall by our bed sides.

We assembled in the room of one of our team mates - a former India player who will remain a former India player for the rest of his career - to watch the toss. Last year, I saw some of the matches sitting in the crowd. This time round, seems like stadiums wont be as packed as last time. But at least the cheerleaders are hotter. Our own Kishen Kanhaiyya commentator will surely agree. During last night's carnival, he had quite a blast. At least the cheerleaders have cheered someone up. As the room got more and more crowded and bottles of beer started tumbling out, I decided to go to my room and post this blog. As I type this, a dog has made way to the middle. Moves pretty fast, this dog. Faster than Lord Almighty at least.

More later guys. Wanna catch a wink or two before they get the dog out.

Glenn & I don’t talk cricket: Krishna

That’s because they bond as friends first, says ramp stunner Krishna Somani, who was a pillar of support to Aussie cricketer Glenn McGrath when

Glenn McGrath and Krishna Somani

his wife was battling the last stages of cancer

We hear you have become ‘more than a friend’ to Glenn McGrath?
What rubbish! We are just good friends, nothing else! The moment people caught us in a public place, they started tattling! He is a fantastic person — someone I can talk for hours and share my thoughts with. One can’t imagine how humble he is. Being a legendary cricketer, he is as simple as one can be.

When did you first meet?
We did a show together in Delhi during IPL last year, and that’s where we first met. We got along really well and became good friends. He went back to Australia after the tournament, but we were in constant touch. But it’s not as if we chat everyday.

Are you a cricket buff? Do you discuss the game with him?
Definitely not! To me, he is a friend. We never talk about cricket or even my profession. Rather, he is more excited to tell me about the work that he’s been doing through his foundation.

But he said recently, that you were his emotional support when his wife was battling the terminal stages of cancer...
Did he say that? When a friend is going through a difficult phase, it’s my duty to give him time and attention to make him feel better. It’s true that during his wife’s last days, he was facing the toughest time of his life. I tried my best to give him some support, so that he could share his pain with me. At least, he deserves that much care from me.

He is also close to your family...
Of course. When he was in Delhi, he met my family and we went out for dinner one evening. He had Japanese food one day and the other day, it was Mediterranean cuisine. We had a great time!

Have you ever spoken to his children?
No, I haven’t met them. If IPL 2 happened in India, he would have brought them here. I haven’t spoken to them over phone yet, as I want to meet them personally first.

No problem about Hindi, can tell by players' tone: Warne

"I think I can tell by their tone," Warne said, explaining that on the flip side, the team members could figure him out from his body language even if they couldn't understand his Australian accent.

Rajasthan Royals captain Shane Warne says his inability to understand Hindi is not a handicap as he can figure out from their tone when his team members are upset with him.

"I think I can tell by their tone," Warne said, explaining that on the flip side, the team members could figure him out from his body language even if they couldn't understand his Australian accent.

Warne was reacting to a question at a function hosted here by sponsor Tata Communications Services for leading businessmen as to how he and teammate Graeme Smith, who is the South African captain, were getting along as Hindi seemed to be the main means of communication with some members of the team.

"If I raise my voice and it's a bit aggressive, then I think they know they were not as good as they should have been. But if I'm happy and smiling, I think they understand," Warne maintained.

Smith pointed out the advantages the Indian Premier League (IPL) offered on the cultural front.

"Being a South African, I've grown up in a different cultures. So, from my perspective, just to spend time with the different cultures in the Royals has been a really interesting experience.

"The Indian guys have been teaching me a little bit of Hindi every now and again so we can use that to communicate with them," Smith maintained.

He also lauded the role of the younger Indian players.

"A few of us have played international cricket for a fair amount of years now, so we have got a bit more experience to impart to the young guys, but it's also great to have their energy and excitement.

"They have also got fresher legs than what we have got, so they can do the running and we can do the talking," Smith said, more in jest.

Warne also spoke about team work.

"In my opinion we are all in this together. We all work together and help each other out. I'm very proud to be the captain of Rajasthan Royals, but there are a lot of captains in our side," he said.

Strategy break not working

Warne has joined the growing chorus against the strategy break introduced in IPL-2 saying it might make commercial sense but was not good for the game.

"I think the strategy breaks affect whatever side is behind (in the game)," Warne said, adding: "So, whoever has the momentum, the opposition can actually catch up in that break."

He felt that the strategy break in recent games had twice upset the momentum of master blaster Sachin Tendulkar.

"It doesn't matter who is batting, Sachin (Tendulkar) or anybody else; you just lose momentum. But if you are behind, you can actually regroup and refocus to work out what you should actually do on the field and then go out and do it.

"From a purely cricketing point of view, I don't think it works, but from a commercial point of view, I'm sure it works very well," Warne added.

At the same time, he said the introduction of the strategy break had been "worth a try".

The seven-and-a-half minute strategy break allows for IPL organisers to sell advertising for a reported Rs.4,000 per 10 seconds.

Warne was also asked to compare IPL-2 in South Africa to the inaugural season in India."

"I think the wonderful thing about playing cricket in India is the passion of the people. You get some of that in the games on television, but the atmosphere at the (stadiums) was unbelievable. "

"In 20 years of playing first class international cricket, I don't think I could ever imagine or experience anything like we experienced last year as a group"

"Coming into South Africa is obviously going to be different. It is to the South African people's credit (for the) wonderful way over here that they have embraced the IPL. They come to the games (although) they have got a long international cricket season here as well, so to have so many people at the games makes it more exciting," Warne said.

Lauds young Indian players in IPL

Warne has lauded the young Indian players in the side as the ones who would ensure triumph for India in the World Cup Twenty20 in future.

''If India want to do really well in the World Cup Twenty20, all these guys here should be in their sights for doing a really exceptional job," Warne said.

Young player Siddarth Trivedi said: "IPL has changed my cricketing life because the selectors have started noticing me after my performance last year.

"In 2003 I was on the fringe ... but somehow I could not make it. But last year my performance (in the IPL) was good and I also won the title. That helped me a lot and I came back into the limelight again."

Commenting on his achievement of becoming one of the highest wicket-takers in India in first-class cricket, Trivedi said: "Shane (Warne) told me that whatever ball you bowl should be the best ball of your life, so I give 100 percent commitment to whatever ball I bowl."

Ravindra Jadeja was overawed at his selection in the Rajasthan Royals. "It feels great to be able to play alongside such great players," he said.

"They give us great confidence in the dressing room as well, something which started last year and is continuing.

"The IPL is a wonderful platform for youngsters like us. Getting the opportunity to play with players of such international stature inspires us to go and do even better next year by building on what we have learnt from them."

Kamran Akmal of Pakistan, asked if he ever dreamt of making it in Bollywood, retorted in Hindi with a short, swift answer: "I have no ambitions of Bollywood or anything else. I am devoting all my time only to cricket for now."

Would be happy to show Shilpa some tricks

Warne would be happy to oblige team co-owner Shilpa Shetty, who had earlier indicated ignorance of the rules of Twenty20 cricket and alluded she would learn them from the skipper.

"I would be happy to show Shilpa some tricks," Warne said. "You haven't heard about the latest movie (South African captain and Rajasthan Royals teammate) Graeme (Smith) and I are starring in?" Warne asked in jest in response to a question on how the lessons were progressing.

"Shilpa, me and Graeme (in one movie)? You haven't heard about that one yet?" Warne continued.

"We're ready to sign a deal. If there's a deal for a Bollywood movie, we're in!"

On a more serious note, Warne said: "I think (the link to Bollywood) is great for cricket. We're lucky to have someone like Shilpa getting involved. I think that the match between Bollywood and cricket is very, very good."

"Bollywood has always been involved with cricket indirectly," added veteran record-holding cricketer Yajurvindra Singh who was the MC at the function. "Cricketers and Bollywood, somehow, especially the actresses, get along pretty well. But I'm not talking about me - I'm happily married!" Singh added quickly added before reminding the audience of the linkages between Indian cinema and cricket from the early days of Raj Kapoor entering the industry.

"Amitabh Bachchan always thought he was a great left-arm spinner. Before him, Rajesh Khanna also thought he was good at cricket. At present there is even a Bollywood cricket team led by Sunil Shetty, which plays regularly on Saturdays whenever they get the time," Singh pointed out.

Sachin my favourite batsman
Warne named master-blaster Sachin Tendulkar as his all-time favourite batsman.

"Over all the years there have been a lot of wonderful batsmen, so it is pretty hard to pick between Brian Lara and Sachin Tendulkar," Warne said in reply to a question about his favourite batsman.

"But I think given the way Sachin handles everything and the expectations that he carries every single time that he walks out to bat, and the way he handles bad decisions and the way he just carries himself; I would have to say Sachin Tendulkar was the best batsman that I have played with in my 20 years of playing international cricket.

"My biggest bunny, I suppose, would have to be (South African) Darryl Cullinan," he added.

A "bunny" is one who cannot bat and who often gets out to one bowler, in this case Warne.

"I was once asked who I would like to bowl to for a living. I said I would be a very rich man if I was to bowl to (Cullinan)."